Estately – Every U.S. state has its own unique interests and curiosities, and that’s especially true when it comes to internet searches. To highlight those differences we here at the real estate search site Estately dug through 11 years of Google search data to see which terms users in each state Googled more than any other. Each of these terms was selected because we deemed them particularly embarrassing or shameful.
I don’t know about you, but I love these damn maps. Any chance to embarrass the rest of the union, is a chance worth taking. And this particular graph is full of gold. So, let’s dive in:
Washington – Sandals and Socks – next to cargo shorts, one of the ultimate fashion faux pas’s. But you know what? Who do you picture wearing sandals and socks the most? Aging hippies in Seattle! Exactly!
Oregon – Romance Novel – I would be lonely, too if I lived in Oregon. I literally can’t think anything that comes out of Oregon except trees. So you midas whale curl up next to a fire with a cup of cocoa and some Paty Jager. (That Paty Jager joke is just for you Oregonians… because I care).
Idaho – Hacky Sack – what we can infer from this is that Idaho is apparently a 1990s high school parking lot or a tailgate to a Phish show. Either way, there’s a decent amount of flannel going around and everyone is just a little too burnt out to play soccer.
Montana – Alex Jones (radio host) – I’ll be honest, I had to look up who Alex Jones was. Turns out he’s an InfoWars guy. The tag line for his website is “There is a War on for your mind!” Makes sense. Montana LOVES their guns. I just assumed Big Sky Country is one big Tea Party. So, this isn’t embarassing so much is it buying into stereotypes.
Wyoming – Furries – Look at Wyoming coming in hot with the kinky shit! You know who else lives in Wyoming? Dick Cheney. Coincidence? I think not. Have fun shaking that mental image out of your head the rest of the day.
North Dakota – Limp Bizkit – That’s supposed to be embarassing? Have you listened to Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water lately? It’s our generation’s Sgt. Peppers!
South Dakota – Lion Hunting – You know South Dakota, its shitty searches like that that will keep you as the shittiest of all the Dakotas. Be better.
Minnesota – Frisbee golf – Minnesota loves chucking the D, huh? I would have thought that it’d be too cold up there for that kinda sport pretty much year round. But who am I to judge. If they want to pass the disc around in between ice fishing expeditions #10kLakeLife.
Iowa – According to Jim – Yikes, Iowa. I suppose corn would be too obvious of a search for them. But, According to Jim is pretty rough. I’m sure the lesser Belushi speaks to the midwestern sensibility somehow. There’s a metaphor in there, somewhere.
Wisconsin – Outhouse (image search) – IMAGE SEARCH?!?! It’s not that crazy to look for outhouse designs, or locations. How to make an outhouse would be helpful in the boonies or on ice fishing trips. But and image search is just crazy! Everyone knows what an outhouse looks like. Its a wood box with a bucket inside. This is some weird fetish, even for you, Wisconsin.
New York – Magic Lessons – This actually makes a ton of sense. Think about the people you know from New York. Especially NYC. They always want to seem like the coolest person in the room because they’re from the “greatest city in the world.” Always trying to impress everyone but at the end of the day, all everyone thinks about them is “oh ok, you’re from New York, got it.” Same thing with magicians. Sure, its cool… neat stuff… at the end of the day, you’re still just an amateur magician.
(I’ll admit this one was a stretch… I got nothing… magic lessons are lame and so is new york)
Vermont – Four Loko – this is just classic Vermont. I grew up in New England and when people used to point out weird stuff about Vermont, I’d always be like, “you’ll have to excuse my friend, he’s a little slow.” That said. If you remember the Four Loko (and Joose) days, you remember them fondly (if at all). And who among us doesn’t long for a simpler time. You get a pass Vermont.
New Hampshire – Pajama Jeans – No surprise here. New Hampshire has long been the most rational state in the Union. Live Free or Die. And if you’re gonna die, midas whale be in comfortable, fashionable, Pajama Jeans.
Maine – Nickelback lyrics – Now I don’t hate Nickelback as much as most people. In high school, if you weren’t blasting “How You Remind Me” in your shitty first car after school, I don’t really think you went to high school in the early oughts at all. That said, looking up the lyrics is a pure psychopath move. Nickelback is face-value rock. There’s no hidden meanings. Its not rap where words and rhymes come at you a mile a minute. Say what you want about Nickelback, but Chad Kroeger has never had a problem with diction. Open your ears, Maine. And try to not overthink Nickelback.
Massachusetts – Deflated Balls – Topical. But the study said they pulled through 11 years of google data. How could something from 7 months ago be the most embarrassing? You sure it wasn’t “average projected resale value of a Beanie Baby” as it may or may not have been on my computer in 2002. Maybe “Blue Jean Committee Full Album?” Or, men searching Ugg boots?
PS. I’m not embarrassed my home state was researching deflating balls. If only the rest of the country or the League cared enough about the facts, logic, reason, and common sense. Maybe we wouldn’t be entering month 8 of the most ridiculous chapter in NFL history. Sorry we care about justice.
Rhode Island – Average Penis Size – Really surprised this wasn’t the same in every state. But, no surprise it was Rhode Island. Being the smallest state must mess with you sometimes. How you measure up to the other states. Well, don’t worry Rhode Island, I hear you are just fine. You’re still a state like any other state. You have two senators like any other state. And, you have TWO voting members of the House. Thats more than SEVEN other states AND the District of Columbia. Sounds like you’re doing just fine in the size department, buddy.
Connecticut – Internet Addition – Connecticut, c’mon bro… maybe step out of the house for a couple hours? Toss the pigskin around or something. Is there ever more self fulfilling prophecy than doing an internet search for internet addiction? Like a alcoholic going to an AA meeting in the back of a liquor store.
Pennsylvania – Donald Trump Quotes – I don’t know what PA is trying to do here. See, they’re a swing state. So are they searching Trump quotes ironically? Or are they searching them in the same way a Republic searches for Reagan quotes or a Democrat searches Jefferson quotes? That’s the problem with independent votes. Never know where they stand. Can’t be trusted.
New Jersey – Ashley Madison – That was dumb, Jersey. Seems to me you put a lot of eggs in the Ashley Madison basket. How’d that work out fellas? Not a lot of girls on there, huh? The only thing it had going for it was anonymity to hook yourself up with a prostitute. Thats bad foresight Jersey… that one is all on you.
Delaware – Newark Girls – Can’t fault the first state for this one. Everyone from Wilmington to Dewey Beach knows the Newark girls are the girls who bring it. Every day, son!
Maryland – Am I Virgin – WHAT?!?! This makes no goddamn sense. Marlyand, you’re one or the other. Virginity is binary. You did or you didn’t. There is not a lot of gray area here. What was the follow up question to this? “Does hand stuff with myself count?”
West Virginia – Chastity Belt – Had no idea these things existed beyond a gag in Robin Hood Men in Tights. Though it is absolutely bananas that someone would look this up, I’d be lying if I wasn’t curious about the ins and outs of a chastity belt. Beyond just “do they really exist?” Do they work? How much do they cost? Are there chastity belt authorized dealers? Are there chastity belt testers? Soooo many questions!!
Ohio – Bath Salts – That’s reason 10,000 to never go to Ohio. Bath Salts? Really? At the very best, its people actually using bath salts for their intended purpose. And who has the time for a bath these days? Never mind savor a bath with some salts and candles. At the worst, its a bunch of meth heads eating bath salts trying to eat you. This is who you land on flyover state status, Ohio.
Indiana – Arby’s – Be fatter, Indiana… you can’t. Classic Indiana. First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity.
Illinois – Is WWE Fake – Awwww, Illinois. C’mon buddy. I don’t want to ruin it for you, so I’m going to let David Arquette help.
Kentucky – Scabies – Yuck Kentucky. What kinda shit have you been rolling around in that Scabies needs to be a top search. Take a shower.
Virginia – Redskins Facts – Because down here in Virginia we want as much amunition to justify our borderline racist football team name as possible. Like, did you know that 90% of American Indians don’t care about the Redskin’s team name? The more you know.
Washington, DC – Bill Cosby – let it go DC, Bill Cosby is guilty as sin. I know he’s a hero. But Dr. Huxtable is dead. You could shrug it off when, say, like 20-30 women accused him of drugging and raping them. But we’re at like 51 now. Ball don’t lie. Time to let it go.
Tennessee – Is Bigfoot Real – If the answer was in a google search, why are people still looking for him? Also, no, Bigfoot is not real. Lotta states here need to grow up.
North Carolina – Where is the internet? – Sneaky the funniest search on this whole list. Just so dumb and easy to judge. But, if you think about it… where the hell is the internet? It literally HAS to be somewhere. But just the picture of some toothless Appalachian asking the internet machines something like this is pretty great.
South Carolina – Miss Cleo – Well SC, Miss Cleo was actually not Jamaican. She was born in LA and scammed millions of people on TV with her hooey. She’s not to be trusted.
Georgia – Meth Recipe – Georgia just want from 0 to 100 REAL quick. You know its reckless google searches like that that will get you caught in the end. Hey, did Billy Bob cook meth? Well, he’s got a thousand meth recipes printed out from google?
PS. Who do you think the Betty Crocker of Meth is? There has to be one Meth chef out there that has all the best recipes that people try to copy.
Alabama – Casserole – And we just went from 100 to 0. Casserole recipes? Be more vanilla Alabama! With your history, I’m shocked it isn’t “white sheet thread count” or “creative fire structures.”
Kidding Bama, I actually love your state. Most underrated state in the country, by far. Roll damn tide.
Florida – Eyebrow piercing – Upset of the century was Ohio having bath salts and not florida. But, I’m not shocked by eyebrow piercing. It could have been anything in that realm of “lower back tattoos,” “prince alberts,” “nose rings,” or any other method of white trash body decoration.
Mississippi – Penis Enlargement – this goes hand in hand with Rhode Island. I’m just surprised this wasn’t every state’s search. If there is one thing we know about the internet community or men in general, its that we have no idea how big our dick is supposed to be. But, something tells me part of this is skewed by those old school Mississippians still clicking on penis enlargement ads. Enzyte Google Adword campaigns in MS must be through the roof.
Louisiana – Dog Clothes – this makes no sense. People are kooky down in the swamp, but nobody dresses their dog up. Too damn hot and humid. Only thing I can think of is maybe during football season? Need the pump to roll back the tide and scream Geaux Tigers!
Arkansas – Hotel California Lyrics – Awesome. I can’t not believe you Ozarkian folks are big Eagles fans. But, respect. Hotel California is one of the most intricate songs of all time. People have speculated on the meaning of those lyrics for 40 years! Pretty intsense search. Good luck on your search, Arkansas. No sarcasm intended.
Vajazzling – Missouri – We go from intricate artistic endeavors like trying to decipher the lyrics of one of the greatest songs of all time, to another type of artistic endeavor… bedazzling one’s vagina. Can’t say I’m not curious. But, Missouri is coming for that white trash crown, Florida. Best look out!
Kansas – Expendables 3 – Eleven years of google searches, three Expendables movies and your top weird search is Expendables THREE?? THATS THE WORST OF THE EXPENDABLES!
Oklahoma – ISIS Videos – YES! Oklahoma is ready to go to war with those mother fuckers! Watch some of that snuff and let your blood boil. Say the word Uncle Sam, the OK State is ready AF to take ISIS out!
Texas – Jade Helm – I had to look up this one. And after ten minutes on wikipedia and some site called “rational wiki”… I’m still not sure what’s going on. Basically, the US Military is doing some exercises this year across seven states and conspiracy theorists seem to think this is an effort for the government to take their guns and impose martial law. I don’t buy it that Texans believe in this stuff. And, I for one, know for a fact, that the #1 searched terms in Texas this year are “when is Blue Bell coming back?” Can. Not. Wait.
Wyoming – Men’s rights – I guess this is what happens when you’re first to give women the right to vote and elect the first female governor (shouts to Nellie Ross). All of a sudden, there is this Meninist subculture of self conscious losers who need to figure out what right’s they lost because they let women be equal. Spoiler… nothing.
Utah – Bronies – If you don’t know what a Bronie is… it is worth the google search for a giggle (#Google4aGiggle, get it trending). But guys in Utah being big fans of My Little Pony is laugh out loud funny. We’re talking Mormon Mecca (where we ALL thought Chastity Belt search would be #1). Thinking about the mormon folk having casual conversations about My Little Pony is hilarious. And if that doesn’t tickle your funny bone, I don’t want to know you.
Nevada – McDonald’s Secret Menu – I thought this was a list of embarrassing google searches. Not totally rational and completely respectable google searches.
California – Fantasy Bowling – Nope! Nope nope nope. Fantasy bowling is not a thing. I thought I was going to quit the internet when I saw fantasy Nascar. But fantasy bowling? Just freaking go bowling! Its exhilarating, super cheap, and very accessible. It’s not expensive hobby and you can pretty much gamble right in the open! There is NO need to have a fantasy bowling league.
Arizona – Is Obama American – ehh, probably not. But he’s been President for about 6 years now. So, time to let this one go, Arizona Iced Tea Partiers (see what I did there). Hope you ask the same question to Ted Cruz.
Alaska – Nicolas Cage – since when is looking up Nicolas Cage embarrassing? If looking up the greatest thespian of the last 20 years is a crime, then lock me up! I’m guilty as charged. I would be less surprised if they were looking up Jim Varney. That’s a weird actor search for ya.
Hawaii – Electronic Cigarette – do you even vape, bro? Also, this is another one that isn’t really that embarrassing. Have you seen Stephen Dorff in those Blu E-cig commercials. He makes e-cigs look cool af.
Well that about wraps it up. Time to be better Illinois, New York and Georgia. We expect more from you. Everyone else with your terrible search history… chin up! You’re not that weird.